TT showdown: Lanky Lux vs Spirited Aussie should be epic!

Andy will be in the start house in the Maillot Juane.  The question is will he have it on later in the day?  Cadel is one of the best Time Trialists in the world and seems to be in the best form of his career. He has also shown us that he can avoid bad luck for a full 3 weeks.  Andy is not built like a time trailist, doesn't look the part, has not performed well in TT's past.  All that said the same was said about Sastre vs Evans in 08.  Some how someway Sastre was able to put in the TT of his life to keep the jersey.  The only thing we are sure of is that one of these "brides maids" is FINALLY getting hitched.

Here are some recent battles that happened at the end of the TDF (Floyd vs Oscar, Marco vs Jan).  It doesn't always end as you would expect, so we are excited to see how it turns out!  Take our poll on the upper right of this page to let us know how you think it will turn out!

Thanks for reading the blog and taking our Poll (you did vote right?) Here is a PROMO CODE: ALPE good  for 20% off our Cycling tees @ www.hbstache.com www.hbstache.com Home of the HoogerlandTFU tee!

We can fix Pro Cycling and the UCI

Every time you look at Twitter or any cycling site there is something going on with the UCI and issues in Pro Cycling.  We have a plan to fix cycling in general and we wanted to share it with you here:

 #1 Legalize Doping for one team, so they can all ride together.  Of course the team will be based out of Spain, since it is a tradition in that country to 'help" athletes perform. We propose the team wear all black and be sponsored by brands like (BP, Black Water, etc).  You might say, wait a minute, that is not good or fair.  Actually it is, as they will allowed no team cars and must use Jr. gears.  We are also considering TT bike changes (banana seats, or streamers)

We think this would be a great foundation for team "Evil"

Director: Manalo Saiz 

Team Dr/Lead Chemist: Dr. Fuentez (is he still a DR?)
Assistant chemist: Joe Papp

PR/Marketing Director: Floyd Landis

* Two teams have tried a similar set up they were known as Liberty Seguros and Rock Racing.

#2 Mario Cipollini as the UCI CZAR/CESAR:

This one move would solve so many issues.  Mario will tell riders if they are acting as if they have "both sets of genitalia". He would make sure things ran smoothly, and that rivals don't act like they are playing in a sand box (bro-hug an opponent after a stage you lose 30 seconds on GC time). Mario would also make sure that all salutes and celebrations looked Pro (No more finger guns and Andy Schleck must stop looking like he is have a seizure when he posts up)

#3 Only 1 Pro Team sponsorship per bike manufacturer.  This will allow smaller companies a chance, and keep every team from riding 1 or 2 bikes. The 7 kilo weight limit is officially lifted as well, since it makes no sense that Roy from accounting has a lighter bike for RAGBRAI than a Pro does for Alpe d' Huez.
#4 The race organizers must ride the course on a moto wearing a cycling kit and achieve the predicted speed of the peloton before they sign off on the route.  We have a feeling the Giro would have "cleaner" finishes with this process in place.

#5 Kit approval will be handled by our UCI Czar/Cesar Chipo.  He would have told Garmin and Leopard they look too close to Sky.  He would also let teams like Euskatel realize their kit makes the their riders look like they have an umpa lumpa plumber's crack. No rider will be allowed to race in "cheerleader" short socks (sorry Horner).

#6 As one of the GREATEST races on the planet, The Ronde' would be shown in the US on LIVE TV! We are fine if it is commentated in Flemish!

#7 Any network that preempts a bike race in the last 5k to cut to the beginning of a "game" or other sport is fined per minute of the race that was left.

#8 Race Radios are a hot topic, so we feel we have a fair and safe compromise.  Each rider will have a race radio, but it will only be a 1 way radio.  The messages will be updates from Bernard Hinault (driving the course in a dune buggy).  The Badger will alleviate most issues just by being a French Chuck Norris and he will keep riders aware of any other issues.

#9 Cav cam is a new concept to monitor any rider that has been having "issues".  This little camera system will be added to his bike and monitor if he is showing any wacky crash causing behaviors like he did with Haussler.  Did he spit on him after the crash?  Did he go off his line etc? Now we will know what exactly happened.

#10 No more goofy looking hats on the podium, and we don't care why you put them on the winner.  We do respect most cycling traditions, but these hats make even cool riders look like a 7 year old at Disney World.

Thanks for reading.  Check out or cycling tees at www.hbstache.com 

Floyd's next 10 Pro Cycling revelations

Paul Kimmage recently ran his exclusive interview with Floyd Landis that he attained over a beer or 12 in a log cabin.  We have a friend of a friend that split a few table dances and many a Crown and Coke with Floyd at a strip club in Bakersfield and got an exclusive for our readers.

Eki's mullet is all business in the front and not to be messed with in the back.

1. Taylor Phinney is actually the product of a DNA experiment created by Jim Ochowicz, Eddie Merckx and Lance.
2. Jonathan Vaughters did not get stung by a bee in the TDF he tried using EPO eye drops (scored through being part of a clinical trial)
3. Vince McMahon is a "silent" owner of ASO and the TDF is partially scripted. What else can explain Carlos Sastre winning the Tour?
4. Final 8 riders selected to ride the Tour with Lance had to agree to have a testicle removed. That is the real reason Tom Boonen left USPS and why Betsy Andreau is still pissed off. Lance takes that Juan Pelota shit really seriously!
5. Although he did not attend college, let alone an Ivy league school, Lance is a member of the Skulls and therefore The New World order.
6. Lance's field crossing on the Col de la Rochette was actually something US Postal practiced months ahead of time.
7. Eki once cut the hand off a Discovery team mechanic that touched his mullet.
8. Marco Pantani is actually alive and living with Tupac, Elvis and Kurt Cobain on an island near Mallorca.
9. Michael Rasmussen was so concerned with weight he had a few ribs removed like that Paul guy on the Wonder Years (aka Marilyn Manson)
10. After the 2007 Tour, Lance took Contador to a party at the Playboy Mansion.  At this party is when the Pistolero lost his virginity to Miss July.

Floyd Landis #greymanrod Retirement Options

Floyd Landis shocked the cycling world today with the announcement of his retirement.  Just to recap the last few years, he started a charity that turned out to be a for-profit scam, wrote a non-fiction book (hard cover of course), he became a "whistle blower", a snitch/rat for the feds and helped take down a team that wanted to help under privileged kids.  Floyd's comments today made it sound like he had hadn't accomplished anything since 06, but Cobra Commander, Darth Vader and Voldemort would disagree.

While he is not exactly a typical retiree in his mid 30's, Floyd has many options to fill his time.

A Kid Rock impersonation show in Branson, MO.  

The marquee could read something like, "Not straight outta Compton or a trailer, HE IS STRAIGHT OUTTA THE VILLAGE!"  Floyd is already 80% there with the look; just add long greasy hair, a wife beater, a little side kick and he is money!

Starting a lycra-clad biker gang, similar to the Sons of Anarchy, they would be known as the Saddle Sores.

They could do whatever needed, for the right price, as they cruise Callie on the their bikes in all black kits.  They would also be on a mission to loot/damage any Radio Shack, US Postal mailbox, or TV showing the Discovery Channel they come upon.

        Member's would include:

         Floyd "Whistle" Landis President
         Alberto "Guns" Contador VP
         Alejandro "Pitti" Valverde as Sergeant at needles 
         Oscar "Baby face"Sevilla
         Joe "Mailman"Papp 
         Michael "Fried Chicken" Rasmussen  
         Several other former Master racers that have tested positive.

Bonnie D. Ford's partner on the new VH1 show "Dancing with a Burnout"  

This show looks to be a big hit filled with Celebrity re-hab graduates and many fallen stars (Brigette Nielson, Verne Troyer, Kathleen Turner and Flava Flav).  Bonnie D. Ford and Floyd seem to have quite the chemistry based on many a late night interview over a bottle of Jack.  With the choreography of Greg Lemond, these guys should tear up the floor like they did the ticker on ESPN 8.

Floyd Landis Performance products with the tag line "I know what works!"
Pre-ride beverage: This will get you going for longs days of training (caffeine equal to 13 cappuccinos)

Testosterone Chamois creme: Who needs a patch when you have the creme! It's as refreshing as dumping 80 bottles over your head on a long breakaway. This stuff gets things moving; apply straight to the junk for that extra training kick.

Based on some side effects: We now offer a lip waxing kit and chest hair removal strips for your female sexual partners.

*does wonders on saddle sores and some forms of STD's

Recovery drink:  This cocktail includes (trace amounts of Cera, a dash of Cenbuterol, cloves, Bull semen, Cobra's blood, a touch of lime and Jack Daniels)

The Landis Method (5 dvd set):  Proven and established techniques for becoming "that guy" in your chosen profession.

Floyd will teach you:

• "Special" IT skills- allowing you to add/delete to company documents, emails, and records
• "Perjury Smurjury" exposing the myth about lying in court
• Under the bus method of deflection and evasion
• Methods for telling the "truth" as you blow the whistle - "Proof? Who the F*^% needs proof"
• How to find a bitter mentor with an axe to grind 
• How to get/use others money for your cause (books, meet and greets, lemonade stands)
• How to blame "it" (it can be anything from a parking ticket, tax evasion or a DUI) on your former boss, star coworker or uber smart Asian friend.

No Gold watch or yellow jersey but Floyd is riding off into the sunset (riding unless he sold his bike for beer money)

Thanks for reading check out our tees @ www.hbstache.com

Dopers do suck, but they have great excuses!

I consider myself an optimistic realist; I hope we go all year with no doping scandals but that probably won't happen.  I wanted to do my part to help out the UCI ahead of the season.   After 2010 where the yellow jersey was involved in "where's the beef" gate, anything could be used as an excuse this year. So here are some of the possible excuses for a doping positive this year.

North American rider excuses:

• "Im not sure what happened, I went to an Native American spiritual ceremony while training in (Arizona, New Mexico, etc) and must have taken something during my spirit walk"
• "I stopped through Las Vegas on the way to the Tour of California and I spent some time at the (fill in the blank) strip club.  I must have gotten trace amounts or something from kissing the girl I was with" 
• "I took Xtreme Burn Fuel/Muscle Mass Machine 7/etc.  supplement I got at GNC."
• "I don't know what it was?  It came with Floyd's old BMC I got at a garage sale for $5.  Thought I would try it since it worked for him"
• "I drank a large amount of Mountain Dew/Wild Turkey/Red Bull/OJ after the stage, maybe that was it"

Western EU Pros (Mostly Spanish) excuses:

• "I was the only one that had the a Unicorn paella at our training camp in Majorca, it must have been tainted" 
• "DR. FUENTEZ"
• "I had a root canal that had complications, and I required a transfusion"
• "I slept with Ricardo Ricco's ex and I must have had a contact positive"
• "I know my name and mother's maiden name and passport number are on the blood bag you found but, I am innocent  (aka Spanish) so I will allow myself to keep racing"
• "I shook Valverde's hand when I saw him at a cafe."
• "I was at a David Hasselhoff  concert with one of my German teammates.  He said to try this since the Germans always make good stuff." 
• "Is it possible to get anything from dolphins that might affect the test? I swam with them a lot in the off seasons"

We want a clean sport as much as anyone, but we know that positive tests are inevitable.  We are hoping for the best, but expecting the worst excuses!