Sunday, January 9, 2011

Dopers do suck, but they have great excuses!



I consider myself an optimistic realist; I hope we go all year with no doping scandals but that probably won't happen.  I wanted to do my part to help out the UCI ahead of the season.   After 2010 where the yellow jersey was involved in "where's the beef" gate, anything could be used as an excuse this year. So here are some of the possible excuses for a doping positive this year.

North American rider excuses:


  • "Im not sure what happened, I went to an Native American spiritual ceremony while training in (Arizona, New Mexico, etc) and must have taken something during my spirit walk"
  • "I stopped through Las Vegas on the way to the Tour of California and I spent some time at the (fill in the blank) strip club.  I must have gotten trace amounts or something from kissing the girl I was with" 
  • "I took Xtreme Burn Fuel/Muscle Mass Machine 7/etc.  supplement I got at GNC."
  • "I don't know what it was?  It came with Floyd's old BMC I got at a garage sale for $5.  Thought I would try it since it worked for him"
  • "I drank a large amount of Mountain Dew/Wild Turkey/Red Bull/OJ after the stage, maybe that was it"

Western EU Pros (Mostly Spanish) excuses:
  • "I was the only one that had the a Unicorn paella at our training camp in Majorca, it must have been tainted" 
  • "DR. FUENTEZ"
  • "I had a root canal that had complications, and I required a transfusion"
  • "I slept with Ricardo Ricco's ex and I must have had a contact positive"
  • "I know my name and mother's maiden name and passport number are on the blood bag you found but, I am innocent  (aka Spanish) so I will allow myself to keep racing"
  • "I shook Valverde's hand when I saw him at a cafe."
  • "I was at a David Hasselhoff  concert with one of my German teammates.  He said to try this since the Germans always make good stuff." 
  • "Is it possible to get anything from dolphins that might affect the test? I swam with them a lot in the off seasons"

We want a clean sport as much as anyone, but we know that positive tests are inevitable.  We are hoping for the best, but expecting the worst excuses!

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