Cycling Wiki Leaks: LEOPARDTREK rallies "NEW" Coaching consultants after #Liege loss

After getting owned by Phillipe Gilbert in the final, the Schlecks realize they really miss "MR.60" Bjarne Riss. Team LEOPARDTREK was scrambling to take away the Schleck's shoe laces, belts and scarves before they got back to the team hotel. Post race, the brothers quickly tried to right the ship by getting back into their normal routine; Frank went out and crashed his bike several times and Andy cuddled with his stuffed dolphin and skyped with Alberto Contador (who laughed at him! and admitted he called Gilbert this A.M.)

Social media was buzzing with phrases like these being thrown at the team:
"Trek bikes, if the 2nd and 3rd step are good enough for you"
"We're #2...We're #2!"
"PussycatTrek"

Other reports are coming in:

Mercedes has asked the team to remove the grill "Benzo" emblem from team cars and donate them to inner city youth trying to make a go in the hip hop scene.

Charly Gual's family asked the Schleck's to consider changing racing licenses to represent Turkekashan for 2012.

Mario Cippolini was so stunned by the Schleck's "mangina tactics" that he said he will not be able to have sex today.  This is the 1st time in history he HAS EVER SAID THIS!

Jens and Fabian are planning to go on a 400+ watt average 12 hr training ride during a hurricane or blizzard to try to forget who they ride with.

Once again, our euro connections have produced another internal Team LEOPARDTREK memo disclosing a secret team meeting after the rough loss at Liege Baston Liege. Fearing major sponsor issues, the team has reached out to a group of "consultants" for help.  They are looking to assemble a group of amazing athletes and some of the finest finishers in sports history:

The 90's Buffalo Bills:  Leopard is looking to fly in the entire team to perform a Saxo Bank style survival camp with a flag football game to help with team building and tactics in the last few minutes of an event.  Scott Norwood will advise the Schleck's to line up on the left side going into final K to avoid being wide right!

Zinedine Zidane: He will be brought in to help the Schleck brothers work on composure in the final few minutes of an event when the eyes of the world are all watching.  He is a master of keeping his calm and using his head when needed.

Jan Ullrich:  The Team tried to bring in The Kaiser, but he actually declined the invite.  Jan Ullrich sited that he has actually won the Tour and said, "Ich war also keine Eins Hündin".  He admits that he would get a bit chubby, got outwitted and had some issues but he was not scared to try and win.  He also sited that he won a Gold Medal...so please leave him to his beer and wiener schnitzels.

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We can fix Pro Cycling and the UCI

Every time you look at Twitter or any cycling site there is something going on with the UCI and issues in Pro Cycling.  We have a plan to fix cycling in general and we wanted to share it with you here:

 #1 Legalize Doping for one team, so they can all ride together.  Of course the team will be based out of Spain, since it is a tradition in that country to 'help" athletes perform. We propose the team wear all black and be sponsored by brands like (BP, Black Water, etc).  You might say, wait a minute, that is not good or fair.  Actually it is, as they will allowed no team cars and must use Jr. gears.  We are also considering TT bike changes (banana seats, or streamers)

We think this would be a great foundation for team "Evil"

Director: Manalo Saiz 

Team Dr/Lead Chemist: Dr. Fuentez (is he still a DR?)
Assistant chemist: Joe Papp

PR/Marketing Director: Floyd Landis

* Two teams have tried a similar set up they were known as Liberty Seguros and Rock Racing.

#2 Mario Cipollini as the UCI CZAR/CESAR:

This one move would solve so many issues.  Mario will tell riders if they are acting as if they have "both sets of genitalia". He would make sure things ran smoothly, and that rivals don't act like they are playing in a sand box (bro-hug an opponent after a stage you lose 30 seconds on GC time). Mario would also make sure that all salutes and celebrations looked Pro (No more finger guns and Andy Schleck must stop looking like he is have a seizure when he posts up)

#3 Only 1 Pro Team sponsorship per bike manufacturer.  This will allow smaller companies a chance, and keep every team from riding 1 or 2 bikes. The 7 kilo weight limit is officially lifted as well, since it makes no sense that Roy from accounting has a lighter bike for RAGBRAI than a Pro does for Alpe d' Huez.
#4 The race organizers must ride the course on a moto wearing a cycling kit and achieve the predicted speed of the peloton before they sign off on the route.  We have a feeling the Giro would have "cleaner" finishes with this process in place.

#5 Kit approval will be handled by our UCI Czar/Cesar Chipo.  He would have told Garmin and Leopard they look too close to Sky.  He would also let teams like Euskatel realize their kit makes the their riders look like they have an umpa lumpa plumber's crack. No rider will be allowed to race in "cheerleader" short socks (sorry Horner).

#6 As one of the GREATEST races on the planet, The Ronde' would be shown in the US on LIVE TV! We are fine if it is commentated in Flemish!

#7 Any network that preempts a bike race in the last 5k to cut to the beginning of a "game" or other sport is fined per minute of the race that was left.

#8 Race Radios are a hot topic, so we feel we have a fair and safe compromise.  Each rider will have a race radio, but it will only be a 1 way radio.  The messages will be updates from Bernard Hinault (driving the course in a dune buggy).  The Badger will alleviate most issues just by being a French Chuck Norris and he will keep riders aware of any other issues.

#9 Cav cam is a new concept to monitor any rider that has been having "issues".  This little camera system will be added to his bike and monitor if he is showing any wacky crash causing behaviors like he did with Haussler.  Did he spit on him after the crash?  Did he go off his line etc? Now we will know what exactly happened.

#10 No more goofy looking hats on the podium, and we don't care why you put them on the winner.  We do respect most cycling traditions, but these hats make even cool riders look like a 7 year old at Disney World.

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