Floyd Landis #greymanrod Retirement Options

Floyd Landis shocked the cycling world today with the announcement of his retirement.  Just to recap the last few years, he started a charity that turned out to be a for-profit scam, wrote a non-fiction book (hard cover of course), he became a "whistle blower", a snitch/rat for the feds and helped take down a team that wanted to help under privileged kids.  Floyd's comments today made it sound like he had hadn't accomplished anything since 06, but Cobra Commander, Darth Vader and Voldemort would disagree.

While he is not exactly a typical retiree in his mid 30's, Floyd has many options to fill his time.

A Kid Rock impersonation show in Branson, MO.  

The marquee could read something like, "Not straight outta Compton or a trailer, HE IS STRAIGHT OUTTA THE VILLAGE!"  Floyd is already 80% there with the look; just add long greasy hair, a wife beater, a little side kick and he is money!

Starting a lycra-clad biker gang, similar to the Sons of Anarchy, they would be known as the Saddle Sores.

They could do whatever needed, for the right price, as they cruise Callie on the their bikes in all black kits.  They would also be on a mission to loot/damage any Radio Shack, US Postal mailbox, or TV showing the Discovery Channel they come upon.

        Member's would include:

         Floyd "Whistle" Landis President
         Alberto "Guns" Contador VP
         Alejandro "Pitti" Valverde as Sergeant at needles 
         Oscar "Baby face"Sevilla
         Joe "Mailman"Papp 
         Michael "Fried Chicken" Rasmussen  
         Several other former Master racers that have tested positive.

Bonnie D. Ford's partner on the new VH1 show "Dancing with a Burnout"  

This show looks to be a big hit filled with Celebrity re-hab graduates and many fallen stars (Brigette Nielson, Verne Troyer, Kathleen Turner and Flava Flav).  Bonnie D. Ford and Floyd seem to have quite the chemistry based on many a late night interview over a bottle of Jack.  With the choreography of Greg Lemond, these guys should tear up the floor like they did the ticker on ESPN 8.

Floyd Landis Performance products with the tag line "I know what works!"
Pre-ride beverage: This will get you going for longs days of training (caffeine equal to 13 cappuccinos)

Testosterone Chamois creme: Who needs a patch when you have the creme! It's as refreshing as dumping 80 bottles over your head on a long breakaway. This stuff gets things moving; apply straight to the junk for that extra training kick.

Based on some side effects: We now offer a lip waxing kit and chest hair removal strips for your female sexual partners.

*does wonders on saddle sores and some forms of STD's

Recovery drink:  This cocktail includes (trace amounts of Cera, a dash of Cenbuterol, cloves, Bull semen, Cobra's blood, a touch of lime and Jack Daniels)

The Landis Method (5 dvd set):  Proven and established techniques for becoming "that guy" in your chosen profession.

Floyd will teach you:

• "Special" IT skills- allowing you to add/delete to company documents, emails, and records
• "Perjury Smurjury" exposing the myth about lying in court
• Under the bus method of deflection and evasion
• Methods for telling the "truth" as you blow the whistle - "Proof? Who the F*^% needs proof"
• How to find a bitter mentor with an axe to grind 
• How to get/use others money for your cause (books, meet and greets, lemonade stands)
• How to blame "it" (it can be anything from a parking ticket, tax evasion or a DUI) on your former boss, star coworker or uber smart Asian friend.

No Gold watch or yellow jersey but Floyd is riding off into the sunset (riding unless he sold his bike for beer money)

Thanks for reading check out our tees @ www.hbstache.com

1 day riders > GC riders

Super Model Stephanie Clerckx (when asked what she thought of the "make up" after Chain Gate)

After reading yet another Andy Schleck interview where he talks about being disappointed yet content. I had a realization about my own views on Pro Cyling. Over the last 11 years I  have changed quite a bit..on the road and off the road.  The Grand Tours is what hooked me, and the main thing I used to watch.  Then I quickly discovered the Classics and watched those as well.  I was a huge fan of several GC riders and pulled for certain guys in the Classics.

Fast forward to 2010 and I am ALL IN as a fan of 1 day riders like Stijn, Fabian and Boonen.  The GC guy's are not what I remember with Armstrong vs Ullrich with Pantani thrown in there.  Those guys had real deal battles and some deep feuds.  The current GC riders ]are not close to legendary hard men like Merckx or Hinault. There is no "Patron" these days and Tour 2010 showed us that.  Perhaps Cippo is right and the GC guys are now on the "soft" side.  Here is a part from his recent interview with Cyclingnews.com: 

“Seeing Schleck and Contador embrace on the Tourmalet after crossing the line and then seeing Contador affectionately pinch Schleck’s cheek during his interview was unreal for me,” Cipollini exclaimed. “Logically, Schleck should have been raging; he had just lost the Tour after all."

“After the chain slip incident on the Port de Balès, he should have attacked the Spaniard day after day, in front of the microphones and on the air too, without giving him time to piss!”

Hard to argue after seeing Andy go from a "Stomach full of anger" to "We are still good friends" in 24hrs. Conta gave him the you just won a stage and are now my bitch gift at the top of the Tourmalet.   I had been waiting and waiting and hoping to see the next great Tour shoot out but instead I got the bromance ending.  Cippo also dropped the mangina line on us with this one:

“I read an interview with Umberto Veronesi, a scientist, a reputed oncologist and Minister for Health,” Cipollini continued. “In five hundred years or more, human beings might have both sets of genitalia, male and female. I don’t want this evolution to have started already in cycling…”

Compare that to guys that train in crappy weather, crash on cobbles and attack each other every chance they get.  The current generation of Classic guys are as hard as the guys that came before them.  Sparticus is a hard core cat that will rip your legs off.  Boonen will go all out on the cobbles and go toe to toe with Cav in a sprint.  Stijn's back to back wins at the Ronde are two of my favorite races of the decade.  I recently saw this quote from Devolder about staying in Belgium while teammates go to warmer places to train. “It is not so cold that you freeze on to your bike. You go from a temperature of zero (Celsius) to minus one and you’re not dead; It hardens your character.”

Hoping for a great year of Pro-cycling in 2011, but I will be paying a bit more attention in April than in July this year.  I will be paying more attention to the guys training right now on the bergs and cobbles or sweating it out on rollers.  I will be a little less attentive to these guys in July.

Contafecta?

My gut reaction to Contador's statement that he would attempt to win all 3 Grand Tours in a year was to mutter...Bullshiiitttt! Then I started thinking about his Grand Tour wins; my perception was that other than the 2009 Tour they were all VERY close (including his 1st Tour when the Chicken got pulled while leading by by 3:10).  I did a bit of research and here is what I found:

2007 Tour de France margin of victory 23" over Cadel Evans

2008 Giro margin of victory 1'57" over Ricardo Ricco'

2008 Vuelta margin of vistory 46" over Levi Leipheimer

2009 Tour de France  margin of victory 4'11" over Andy Schleck

2010 Tour de France margin of victory  31" over Andy Schleck

Not really sure why he would attempt to win all 3 Tours rather than focus on winning by say more than 30 seconds.  With his "Stomach Full of Anger" I am sure Andy will be focused on the Tour, and now Basso will make the Tour his main goal.  What is Pistolero thinking trying to win the Giro..recover...win the Tour...recover and then win the Vuelta?  I'm not sure what his training plan will be or what his new director, Mr. 60 has up his sleeve, but I am concerned it may not be exactly "legal".

It appears that they are using some kind of crazy science experiments on one of Conta's entourage.  Look closely at this photo the poor man now has 2 sets of eyes on top of his head...what was the goal a 3rd lung? a 2nd heart?  Pretty scary stuff!