Sunday, November 7, 2010

Asking the real HARD ? about the NEW Lemond Trainer

Everywhere I turn, I continue to see ads for the NEW Lemond Fitnesss Trainer with claims like "Makes roller style trainers obsolete".  I know some of you are fans and will not like this post (that said, according to twitter that # is around 4,670, about 1/2 the # of people that follow @wholefoods ATX location).   But, I just want to explain where my brain goes when I see the phrase "Lemond Fitness".
The terms Lemond and Fitness are pretty far apart in my mind.  Sure, in the early 90's, the two terms went together very well. Now, not so much. Even infomercial guys like Tony Little seem to keep their mullets in good order and stay "in shape". 

Howie Mandel hair care products? No that doesn't work.

Floyd Landis - Whiskey based recovery drink...Not a good idea

How about Kathleen Turner lingerie? NOPE, can't imagine many ladies would be looking to pick up Kathleen Turner branded sexy undies these days.  It has been a LONG time since Romancing the Stone.  And  HD is not doing her any favors.

Greg is not the picture of fitness these days.  Perhaps a bit of time, maybe 14-20 hrs a week, on the device he is hocking could help him look more like the owner of a fitness company (I would also suggest a sweet mullet pony tail thing like Tony Little). I'm sure it is a good device, but I think I will pass.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010


So in the weirdest sponsor situation in recent cycling memory, one is left to wonder who is the money behind the "Luxemberg Project", aka Team Schleck.  We have some pretty good sources inside the cycling industry and they have helped us narrow down the possibilities.  We lay them out for you and you can make your choice and place your bet on

Team HK (sponsored by the weapons manufacturer Heckler & Koch.)

 Makes total sense, after what happened at the Tour.  We quickly realize that with a "Stomach Full of Anger", Andy realized revenge is best served ICE COLD!  He only appeared to become Contador's bitch at the top of the Tourmalet.  Andy acted like it's all good that my lil Spanish buddy attacked me with a mechanical; he really is sorry.  The Schleck bros' quickly reached out to several weapons' companies to allow Andy to top the Pistolero salute.  Andy will now be able to use the Fully Automatic Machine gun salute after crossing the line.  He will start to refer to himself as the "Machine Gun" or it will be said he went "fully automatic" when he attacks.

Team Pepto Bismal
Realizing the best marketing opportunity in a generation, Pepto execs reached out to Andy to help him with his Stomach Full of Anger.  The commercials will go something like, "After being attacked by questionable Spanish beef, I calm my Stomach Full of Anger with Pepto". The kits will be Pepto Pink and you will see a full sized Pepto bottle running around on the final climbs in the Tour.

Team Death Row
In a bizarre twist, Frank and Andy met Suge Knight on a trip to Mexico. After splitting several bottles of Cristal with the funny talkin' white boyz, Suge got interested in the the happening of the 2010 Tour.  With large amounts of "grip" still at his disposal, Sug offered to form Team Death Row (Death row, what a Schleck know).  Suge was overheard saying "Go get the best mutha f*@kers out der and tell em they ridin' fo Death Row".  Suge has promised to change the game by driving a big body Benz as a team car.  He also claims he will hang Conta off a balcony if he does not admit to doping and give back his Tour title.  To show their buy-in, the Schlecks got "Thug Life" tatted on their stomach. 

Time will tell, but we are very sure Team Lux will soon be known by 1 of these 3 names.