Sunday, February 20, 2011

We can fix Pro Cycling and the UCI

Every time you look at Twitter or any cycling site there is something going on with the UCI and issues in Pro Cycling.  We have a plan to fix cycling in general and we wanted to share it with you here:

 #1 Legalize Doping for one team, so they can all ride together.  Of course the team will be based out of Spain, since it is a tradition in that country to 'help" athletes perform. We propose the team wear all black and be sponsored by brands like (BP, Black Water, etc).  You might say, wait a minute, that is not good or fair.  Actually it is, as they will allowed no team cars and must use Jr. gears.  We are also considering TT bike changes (banana seats, or streamers)

We think this would be a great foundation for team "Evil"
Director: Manalo Saiz 
Team Dr/Lead Chemist: Dr. Fuentez (is he still a DR?)
Assistant chemist: Joe Papp
PR/Marketing Director: Floyd Landis

* Two teams have tried a similar set up they were known as Liberty Seguros and Rock Racing.

#2 Mario Cipollini as the UCI CZAR/CESAR:
This one move would solve so many issues.  Mario will tell riders if they are acting as if they have "both sets of genitalia". He would make sure things ran smoothly, and that rivals don't act like they are playing in a sand box (bro-hug an opponent after a stage you lose 30 seconds on GC time). Mario would also make sure that all salutes and celebrations looked Pro (No more finger guns and Andy Schleck must stop looking like he is have a seizure when he posts up)

#3 Only 1 Pro Team sponsorship per bike manufacturer.  This will allow smaller companies a chance, and keep every team from riding 1 or 2 bikes. The 7 kilo weight limit is officially lifted as well, since it makes no sense that Roy from accounting has a lighter bike for RAGBRAI than a Pro does for Alpe d' Huez.
#4 The race organizers must ride the course on a moto wearing a cycling kit and achieve the predicted speed of the peloton before they sign off on the route.  We have a feeling the Giro would have "cleaner" finishes with this process in place.

#5 Kit approval will be handled by our UCI Czar/Cesar Chipo.  He would have told Garmin and Leopard they look too close to Sky.  He would also let teams like Euskatel realize their kit makes the their riders look like they have an umpa lumpa plumber's crack. No rider will be allowed to race in "cheerleader" short socks (sorry Horner).

#6 As one of the GREATEST races on the planet, The Ronde' would be shown in the US on LIVE TV! We are fine if it is commentated in Flemish!

#7 Any network that preempts a bike race in the last 5k to cut to the beginning of a "game" or other sport is fined per minute of the race that was left.

#8 Race Radios are a hot topic, so we feel we have a fair and safe compromise.  Each rider will have a race radio, but it will only be a 1 way radio.  The messages will be updates from Bernard Hinault (driving the course in a dune buggy).  The Badger will alleviate most issues just by being a French Chuck Norris and he will keep riders aware of any other issues.

#9 Cav cam is a new concept to monitor any rider that has been having "issues".  This little camera system will be added to his bike and monitor if he is showing any wacky crash causing behaviors like he did with Haussler.  Did he spit on him after the crash?  Did he go off his line etc? Now we will know what exactly happened.

#10 No more goofy looking hats on the podium, and we don't care why you put them on the winner.  We do respect most cycling traditions, but these hats make even cool riders look like a 7 year old at Disney World.

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