Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Floyd Landis #greymanrod Retirement Options

Floyd Landis shocked the cycling world today with the announcement of his retirement.  Just to recap the last few years, he started a charity that turned out to be a for-profit scam, wrote a non-fiction book (hard cover of course), he became a "whistle blower", a snitch/rat for the feds and helped take down a team that wanted to help under privileged kids.  Floyd's comments today made it sound like he had hadn't accomplished anything since 06, but Cobra Commander, Darth Vader and Voldemort would disagree.

While he is not exactly a typical retiree in his mid 30's, Floyd has many options to fill his time.

A Kid Rock impersonation show in Branson, MO.  

The marquee could read something like, "Not straight outta Compton or a trailer, HE IS STRAIGHT OUTTA THE VILLAGE!"  Floyd is already 80% there with the look; just add long greasy hair, a wife beater, a little side kick and he is money!

Starting a lycra-clad biker gang, similar to the Sons of Anarchy, they would be known as the Saddle Sores.
They could do whatever needed, for the right price, as they cruise Callie on the their bikes in all black kits.  They would also be on a mission to loot/damage any Radio Shack, US Postal mailbox, or TV showing the Discovery Channel they come upon.

        Member's would include:
         Floyd "Whistle" Landis President
         Alberto "Guns" Contador VP
         Alejandro "Pitti" Valverde as Sergeant at needles 
         Oscar "Baby face"Sevilla
         Joe "Mailman"Papp 
         Michael "Fried Chicken" Rasmussen  
         Several other former Master racers that have tested positive.

Bonnie D. Ford's partner on the new VH1 show "Dancing with a Burnout"  

This show looks to be a big hit filled with Celebrity re-hab graduates and many fallen stars (Brigette Nielson, Verne Troyer, Kathleen Turner and Flava Flav).  Bonnie D. Ford and Floyd seem to have quite the chemistry based on many a late night interview over a bottle of Jack.  With the choreography of Greg Lemond, these guys should tear up the floor like they did the ticker on ESPN 8.

Floyd Landis Performance products with the tag line "I know what works!"
Pre-ride beverage: This will get you going for longs days of training (caffeine equal to 13 cappuccinos)

Testosterone Chamois creme: Who needs a patch when you have the creme! It's as refreshing as dumping 80 bottles over your head on a long breakaway. This stuff gets things moving; apply straight to the junk for that extra training kick.

Based on some side effects: We now offer a lip waxing kit and chest hair removal strips for your female sexual partners.

*does wonders on saddle sores and some forms of STD's

Recovery drink:  This cocktail includes (trace amounts of Cera, a dash of Cenbuterol, cloves, Bull semen, Cobra's blood, a touch of lime and Jack Daniels)

The Landis Method (5 dvd set):  Proven and established techniques for becoming "that guy" in your chosen profession.

Floyd will teach you:

  • "Special" IT skills- allowing you to add/delete to company documents, emails, and records
  • "Perjury Smurjury" exposing the myth about lying in court
  • Under the bus method of deflection and evasion
  • Methods for telling the "truth" as you blow the whistle - "Proof? Who the F*^% needs proof"
  • How to find a bitter mentor with an axe to grind 
  • How to get/use others money for your cause (books, meet and greets, lemonade stands)
  • How to blame "it" (it can be anything from a parking ticket, tax evasion or a DUI) on your former boss, star coworker or uber smart Asian friend.

No Gold watch or yellow jersey but Floyd is riding off into the sunset (riding unless he sold his bike for beer money)

Thanks for reading check out our tees @ www.hbstache.com


  1. Seriously, I thought this was funny...bravo. You should sell it to cyclingnews.com or velonews.

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