Dear Frank and Andy,
I am very pleased that you will both be riding on my new team. I wanted to address a few things right away so we get off on the right foot. The goal of this team is to WIN races, we view 2nd and 3rd place as the 1st and 2nd losers. Here are a few new team rules that will go into place at the end of the 2011 season.
1. Ride together all you want in the off season, because next year you will NEVER be in the same race. I will not have either one of you looking around for the other one. Frank you should study up on Italy and Spain. Andy focus on France! During Grand tours, you are not allowed to call, Skype, or send pictures to each other.
2. We will be repossessing all but one of your bikes for the first 3 months of the off season. The only one we are leaving you is a Time Trial bike. You might remember that bike is the one with the funny looking bars that makes the "swoosh swoosh" noise when you ride it. LEARN to ride it and get faster on it! You look like two monkeys humping a futball when you ride a TT. We will fix this!
3. Andy this one is directed at you: We will have a bonfire at our training camp; bring every picture/note/piece of Best Friend stuff you have from your relationship with Alberto. To be honest, he thinks you're a fool and he makes fun of you every chance he gets. He actually referred to you as "mi perra" over race radio. (Google it - it's not kind.)
4. If you are going to do your "traditional" off season dolphin swims, make sure there is no one there to take pictures. Swimming with a porpous is completely emaskulating. Grow 2 pairs and swim with sharks if you need to get closer to nature. Don't say a word about Boonen swimming with the dolphins; he pulls more girls than most rock stars and wins cobbled classic races.
5. Scarves...lose them, ALL of them!
6. Andy this is another one for you - if you win a stage you are never allowed to "post up." It looks as though you are having a seizure and we can't use the pictures for any PR purposes.
7. We will have an in-depth class for both of you about social media and the topic of WINNING! I never want to see another Tweet like "We are ____ (fill in with words like happy, satisfied, content) to get 2nd and 3rd at ____ (fill in race/stage Amstel, the TDF, etc.)
8. Only one of you can ride in the Luxembourg championship races. You can decide between the two of you, but trying to figure out which one of you has those jerseys gives me a headache. Plus, there are only like 5 riders from your country so it doesn't matter much anyway; it's not like you're Belgian!
9. Yes, you will be riding SRAM again. Get over it; our mechanics know WTF they are doing and you will be fine.
10.Please try to pay attention when training. No music, texting, or no handed riding. I don't want to see pictures of your skinny bodies all bloody and damaged. You two look like you escaped from a prison camp half the off season.
PS: Find out when and where Johhny Hoogerland trains and ride with him!
Thanks for reading! Scan this QR code for link to some cool info about our booth 1048 @ INTERBIKE and a PROMO code for you to use:
*We can not promise this is an actual memo from Johan, but it could/should be.