Sunday, April 24, 2011

Cycling Wiki Leaks: LEOPARDTREK rallies "NEW" Coaching consultants after #Liege loss

Dolphinsschleck
After getting owned by Phillipe Gilbert in the final, the Schlecks realize they really miss "MR.60" Bjarne Riss. Team LEOPARDTREK was scrambling to take away the Schleck's shoe laces, belts and scarves before they got back to the team hotel. Post race, the brothers quickly tried to right the ship by getting back into their normal routine; Frank went out and crashed his bike several times and Andy cuddled with his stuffed dolphin and skyped with Alberto Contador (who laughed at him! and admitted he called Gilbert this A.M.)

Social media was buzzing with phrases like these being thrown at the team:
"Trek bikes, if the 2nd and 3rd step are good enough for you"
"We're #2...We're #2!"
"PussycatTrek"

Other reports are coming in:

Mercedes has asked the team to remove the grill "Benzo" emblem from team cars and donate them to inner city youth trying to make a go in the hip hop scene.

Charly Gual's family asked the Schleck's to consider changing racing licenses to represent Turkekashan for 2012.

Mario Cippolini was so stunned by the Schleck's "mangina tactics" that he said he will not be able to have sex today.  This is the 1st time in history he HAS EVER SAID THIS!

Jens and Fabian are planning to go on a 400+ watt average 12 hr training ride during a hurricane or blizzard to try to forget who they ride with.

Once again, our euro connections have produced another internal Team LEOPARDTREK memo disclosing a secret team meeting after the rough loss at Liege Baston Liege. Fearing major sponsor issues, the team has reached out to a group of "consultants" for help.  They are looking to assemble a group of amazing athletes and some of the finest finishers in sports history:

The 90's Buffalo Bills:  Leopard is looking to fly in the entire team to perform a Saxo Bank style survival camp with a flag football game to help with team building and tactics in the last few minutes of an event.  Scott Norwood will advise the Schleck's to line up on the left side going into final K to avoid being wide right!

Scott-norwood

Zinedine Zidane: He will be brought in to help the Schleck brothers work on composure in the final few minutes of an event when the eyes of the world are all watching.  He is a master of keeping his calm and using his head when needed.


Zidane-headbutt-mezeratti

Jan Ullrich:  The Team tried to bring in The Kaiser, but he actually declined the invite.  Jan Ullrich sited that he has actually won the Tour and said, "Ich war also keine Eins H√ľndin".  He admits that he would get a bit chubby, got outwitted and had some issues but he was not scared to try and win.  He also sited that he won a Gold Medal...so please leave him to his beer and wiener schnitzels.

Jan11

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3 comments:

  1. Poor Mario. And I bet even the Badger would chew off his own leg rather than ride with those boys.

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